Life and love.

Do you ever feel like you are stuck in a rut and you know that you are not doing anything about it. Day after day after, week after week. The comfort and warmth of the bed in the morning. The 'relaxing' glass of wine turning into a bottle. The pint with the lads turning into an everyday habit. Going through the motions at work with absolutely no job satisfaction. The weight is piling on, our relationships become mundane. Everything seems to be going wrong. That's because it is. It is going wrong. I can remember around 6 years ago I was in a very deep hole. I was ignorant of it at the time, but I clearly had dug the hole myself. I was drinking everyday, gambling everyday and smoking over twenty cigarettes a day. I had two children and a wife to support and I was giving my money and my time to people who did not care about me. Yet the people who cared most about me, were getting a moody, angry version of the person I knew I was and who I thought was still there, but my wife said that I wasn't the same man that I was when we got married. Had I become that person over night? A few days? Weeks?. No. It was gradual. Everyday doing something negative. Everyday compounding my selfish desires and trying to find the next buzz, the next distraction. I loved my wife and I loved my kids. I just didn't show it, and they weren't my focus. I had become so selfish. So self-centered. And yet everyday trying fulfill my own desires and doing the things I thought were making me happy. I was miserable. My wife was miserable. Most of the people I was spending time with were miserable. Doesn't that tell you something? Why didn't I see that? Something had to change. Luckily for me my wife loved me and the kids so much that she kicked me out. One of the best things she ever did. It interrupted my thought process. It took me out of the daily habits. It woke me the fuck up! I was now paying for my actions. For a few days I was angry, I didn't quite understand the seriousness of the situation. Over the days and weeks I had to say goodbye to my children who didn't understand why daddy wasn't staying. I loved my wife and children so much, but I had forgotten. I drowned my sorrows for a few days, which seems an obvious but absolutely wrong way to go. I would stand outside in the garden smoking a rollup and feeling sorry for myself, crying into my pint can of Stella. I was living with my brother at the time, he had separated from his wife and lived on his own and would have his two kids over for the weekends. I remember one day, and I know he probably wont like me saying this but I looked at him fallen asleep on the sofa after a few cans on a week night and thought to myself 'is that me?, is that where I want to be in a few months time?' I made a decision that night. I remember laying in bed telling myself I am better than this. I knew she still loved me, not the person I had become over the past few years, but the person hidden inside; under the selfishness and self gratifying person I had become. I used to be funny, I used to be caring and loving. I used to be a positive guy with everything going for me. Beautiful wife, gorgeous kids, good stable job and looking forward to a new chapter we had started. The decision I made that night was to get back to where I used to be but even better. I quit smoking and drinking at the same time. Never touched another cigarette since. Drink was harder to give up. I did begin drinking again and it definitely is one of the hardest things to keep away from. But what I have found in recent years, self control is king. Exercising self control and knowing limits and boundaries helps to keep a balanced life. Bonfire night 2011, we'd been to a bonfire night together and when I was driving home she texted me and said that I could come home. The next day I packed my things up and went home. We are happier now than we ever have been. We have 3 super kids. Have more money to enjoy our lives together, and spend as much time together as we can. Why did I tell you all that? What do you care? You don't know me? But you do know me. I'm you, or I'm your brother. I could be your dad or I could be your mother. Maybe I'm just a friend. It's too easy to get in a rut, it's too easy to just sail through life. But do you feel loved? Do you give love? Do you feel appreciated? Or are you just going through the motions? Take a look at your habits. Is the weight piling on? Change a habit or create a habit to fight back. Are you in a loveless relationship? There must have been love at one time, if not then you need to get out. But when you were in love what did you do differently? Get those things back. Is work a drag and you don't want to get up in a morning? Then either change it, get better at it, or just get on with it and stop moaning. Life is short. Spend time with people who you love and who love you. Create friendships with people who challenge and inspire you. Have compassion and empathy for others. What we give out comes back in many ways. Give your love and happiness to the world. If you do, you know that you can one day say 'I love my life'